Three fries short of a Happy Meal
by Ruthie
Summary: Daniel tries to kick his caffiene habit, Hammond gets mushroom madness and Jack gets a new hairdo. What does a constipated badger have to do with all of this? Hell, nothing, but there's one in the story!


Title: Three fries short of a happy meal

Rating: PG -15 (language)

Spoilers: None

Summary: Daniel tries to kick his caffeine habit, Hammond gets mushroom madness and Jack gets a new hairdo. 

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1,830. It's completely stupid. 

_Challenge 1830: 1. Daniel must join a Caffeine Addicts Anonymous Self Help group - and experience severe withdrawal symptoms.  
2. Hammond eats a magic mushroom that Teal'c finds on a purple planet (god knows why), and Jack gets insanely jealous - "why can't I have a magic mushroom!??!" must appear in dialogue at least five times from various different people (but mostly Jack).  
3. Due to the effects caused by the magic mushroom, Hammond begins enforcing strange new strictures (rules) on base, including:a. every commanding officer on base must possess a donkey, and provide it with various necessities, such as peanut butter earmuffs and chocolate bodypaint ;D  
b. all medical personnel (including male staff) must wear pink frilly tutu's, except for Janet...who must wear an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.4. Harriman must become obsessed with the bikini, and attempt to steal it on many occasions - and succeed at least once then get caught trying it on, by a traumatized Daniel :05. Sam dyes Jack's hair green without his knowledge, and they lose him on a planet filled with green foliage the exact shade of green as his hair, where he is molested by many, many chipmunk-like creatures. _

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of MGM Worldwide, the sci-fi channel, Gekko Film Corp, Double Secret productions and Brad Wright. No copyright infringement intended – please don't sue me! I'm skint anyhow. 

~ Three fries short of a happy meal ~

© Ruth, June 2003

**********

Daniel reluctantly pulled up outside the Caffeine Addicts Anonymous headquarters. He'd heard that it was a self-help group, and he was so addicted that he was willing to give anything a try. 

He nervously got out of his car and locked it, walking up the steps and inside the door, where he was met by a burly security guard. 

"I have to check that you have no forms of caffeine on you, son."

"Wha? But…" 

The security guard began a thoroughly invasive check on Daniel, during which he found twelve packets of instant coffee, fifteen mars bars and a snickers. As he took them away from Daniel he fell to his knees and began sobbing. 

The security guard knelt down beside him and pulled him up, giving him a tissue. 

"I know it's hard. I went through it myself – but I came out the other side. You can live life without caffeine!" he smiled, pushing Daniel inside. 

Once he was certain that Daniel was out of sight, the security guard lovingly unwrapped a mars bar and bit into it, with a groan of pleasure. He thought of Daniel and sniggered, nearly snorting caramel up his nose. 

"Life without caffeine? Not worth living!"

**********

Meanwhile, on the planet P1P-101, Sam and Teal'c were on a mission. It had become complicated when they realised that the entire planet was purple, which messed with their eyes after a while. 

"Major Carter!" 

"Teal'c?" 

"I believe I have found a frog-chair." 

Sam went over to him and smiled. "A toad-stool, Teal'c. Actually, it's a mushroom." 

"It is purple." 

"I know, Teal'c, so is everything around here. Too bad Colonel O'Neill had a meeting with General Hammond." 

"I do not believe that he would have enjoyed this experience, Major Carter. He detests the colour purple, as with green." 

"True. Let's go back to the SGC, this planet is starting to give me the creeps." 

Once Sam's back was turned, Teal'c slipped a mushroom into his pocket, wrinkling his nose in distaste as a small amount of purple gas came out of the stem. 

**********

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Daniel shrieked, as the security guard dragged him away from the coffee lounge by his feet. 

"Resist, damn you!" 

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Daniel continued wailing. 

The guard slapped him, which brought Daniel back to his senses. 

"What…is….the…point…of…putting….a……coffee lounge…..by…a….group…….of….people…..who……aren't….allowed….to…..drink…..COFFEE?" Daniel screamed. 

"It is to help you fight against temptation!" a smiley woman told him. Her name badge read 'Audrey.' 

"WHAT?" Daniel shouted.

Audrey smiled understandingly. "You may find that one side effect of no-caffeine is that you will shout a lot." 

"I'M NOT SHOUTING!" Daniel shouted. 

Audrey only smiled again. "Come with me - I will teach you how to help yourself, brother." 

Daniel started crying feebly again. "I want my caffeine!" 

"You have done without it now for a whole….ten minutes!" Audrey smiled. 

Daniel clasped his face and shrieked again. 

**********

Teal'c and Sam returned through the gate to the SGC. When they arrived, General Hammond and Jack greeted them. Teal'c pulled the mushroom out of his pocket and proudly gave it to General Hammond. 

"Thank you, son!" said Hammond cheerfully, stuffing the mushroom (which was about the size of his palm) into his mouth in one go and chewing it spitefully in front of Jack. 

Jack's lower lip began to tremble as he looked at Teal'c. 

"Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" he asked. 

Teal'c stuck his tongue out at Jack and walked away. Sam stared after him in confusion. 

"Yeah! Teal'c, why can't I have a magic mushroom?" 

Their questions went unanswered, as Teal'c had already left the room. Hammond finished chewing the mushroom and swallowed it, belching very loudly into the intercom and rupturing the eardrums of everyone below level 12 of the base. 

**********

"Here is a list of the side effects that you may experience during your no-caffeine fight!" Audrey smiled. 

Daniel cast his eyes down the piece of paper. 

_Crying Uncontrollable shouting Mild hysteria Extreme aggravation Extremely amorous Uncontrolled jerkiness of ears and nose Speaking in tongues Suddenly screaming for no apparent reason Strong desire to run about with underpants on head Strong desire to strip naked and sing 'She Bangs' by Ricky Martin _

Daniel swallowed. He was only on stage two. 

"I find it useful to bathe in a tub of orange peel," Audrey smiled, "Perhaps I should demonstrate…" 

"NO!" Daniel screamed hysterically, running out of the building and trying to keep his mind off of caffeine and the fact that he'd just progressed to stage 3. 

**********

General Hammond looked around the room at all of the commanding officers seated opposite him. There was Jack O'Neill, Robert Makepeace, James Feretti, and Graham Simmons… Graham Simmons? 

"Lieutenant Simmons?" he asked, "What the (censored) are you doing in here?" 

Graham looked startled at Hammond's profane language. "Sir? You asked me to…" 

"Simmons, I don't give a flying (censored) what I said to you, get the (censored) out!" 

"Yes, sir." 

Jack swallowed, then whispered something to Makepeace. At that point, Teal'c walked past the room and Makepeace shouted after him:  
"Hey, Teal'c! Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" 

"Colonels, I have brought you here today to announce that I have a new rule for you all to follow. Every commanding officer on base must possess a donkey, and provide it with various necessities, such as peanut butter earmuffs and chocolate bodypaint." 

"Sir?" Makepeace choked. "Where the fuck am I going to get a donkey from?" 

**********

Daniel was driving back to the base in his car. He'd left the radio turned off in case he encountered any chocolate or coffee advertisements that would surely have driven him over the edge. He looked in his rear-view mirror and saw that he was being tailgated. Normally, he would have let this pass, but poor Daniel was rapidly working up to stage four - extreme aggravation. 

The man continued to tailgate him, so Daniel rolled down the window and screamed:

  
"Hey! (censored) face! What the (censored) do you think you're doing? Stop trying to (censored) my (censored) car up the (censored) arse! Who the (censored) do you think you are, anyway? (censored)!" 

The man appeared to be very shocked, and backed so rapidly away from Daniel's car that he almost hit the man behind him. 

Daniel let out a contented sigh and continued his drive to the base. 

**********

"Rule number 2," said Hammond over the intercom, "All medical personnel, including the males, must wear pink frilly tutu's, except for Janet Fraiser...who must wear an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini." 

In the infirmary, Janet coughed up the mouthful of coffee that she'd just swallowed. 

"Rule number 3," Hammond continued, "Level 23 is now to be used for a jam-wrestling floor. Anyone whose surname is between the letters P and Z will be required to compete in daily wrestles, with your choice of flavour of jam." 

Graham Simmons fell off of his chair and into a filing box. 

"Rule number 4," Hammond said, trying to keep a hold of his laughter, "All scientists on the base must wear pink underwear at all times." 

Sam dropped a valuable piece of scientific equipment on the floor, shattering it into a thousand pieces. 

"I expect all of these rules to be adhered to at all times - I will be checking!" 

**********

"Get the (censored) out of my way!" Daniel screamed at an airman as he walked out of a lift. 

"Yes, doctor Jackson." 

Daniel made his way to Sam's lab. Sam heard him coming and rapidly hid all of her coffee mugs. 

"Hey, Daniel." 

"OH, GOD! THIS NO-CAFFIENE BUSINESS IS DOING MY HEAD IN!" 

"Okay, Daniel, I know this must be hard but you don't have to shout at me!" 

"I'M NOT SHOUTING!…….ARE YOU WEARING PINK UNDERWEAR?" 

"Quiet!" Sam snapped, pulling another jacket over her shoulders. "Hammond went mad after he ate this mushroom that Teal'c brought back from the purple planet, and he started making up all of these strange rules. The pink underwear was one of them." 

"WHAT? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER RULES?" 

"Uh…the infirmary staff have to wear pink frilly tutus, Janet has to wear a bikini…" 

Something inside of Daniel snapped, and he smiled. "I'll see you later, Sam." 

Sam looked after him in concern. She'd heard about the woman who was running his caffeine help group - she had her own website. Sam decided that it was in Daniel's best interests for her to check it out. Crossing over to her laptop, she connected to the Internet. 

(N.B. This is not a real web address!) g

Once there, her eyes widened in horror. 

'Withdrawal Symptoms that you may experience'

__

Crying

Uncontrollable shouting

Mild hysteria

Extreme aggravation

Extremely amorous

Uncontrolled jerkiness of ears and nose

Speaking in tongues

Suddenly screaming for no apparent reason

Strong desire to run about with underpants on head

Strong desire to strip naked and sing 'She Bangs' by Ricky Martin

Sam realised just too late that Daniel had just progressed onto stage five, and ran out of her lab to try and save Janet.

**********

Janet's face reddened with embarrassment every time she moved. It wasn't that she was fat - quite the opposite - but she was completely unprepared for all of the men gazing at her - Harriman in particular. 

She smiled as Daniel entered the infirmary. "Hey, Daniel. How's the no-caffeine thing coming?" 

"Very well," he said, in an unusually deep voice. 

"Uh…Daniel?" 

"I want you, Janet," he purred, pushing her against the nearest wall. 

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" 

Sam ran in and pulled Daniel off of Janet, covering her friend's exposed shoulders with her jacket. 

"Sam?" Janet asked, "Are you wearing pink underwear?" 

All of the male eyes in the room suddenly fixed on Sam. 

"Aw, crap!"

Daniel was getting up from the floor, a very strange look in his eye. The first person he saw was a young medical student by the name of Hugh. He was wearing a very attractive pink fluffy tutu. 

Daniel fluttered his eyelashes at Hugh. "Hi, sweetie," 

"AAAAAGGGHHHHHHH SHIT!" Hugh screamed, running out of the infirmary with Daniel hot on his heels. 

**********

General Hammond leant back on his chair, talking to Teal'c. At that moment, Graham Simmons entered, covered in strawberry jam. 

"Ah, Lieutenant. I trust you enjoyed your wrestle?" 

"Uh…not really, sir…" 

He sneezed some jam out of his nose. 

"Hey…Teal'c?" he asked. "Why can't I have a magic mushroom?"

**********

Daniel was walking down the corridor to his lab when he saw Harriman running into his own office in a state of excitement. His curiosity piqued, Daniel began to walk slowly towards the door. 

As he got closer, he heard little squeaks of joy from inside the room, followed by a small whoop of elation. Now highly disturbed, Daniel knocked on the door and entered. 

"What the f-?"

Harriman was halfway through putting the itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini on. Daniel, highly shocked by this experience, was induced prematurely into stage six of his caffeine cold turkey. 

Harriman watched in surprise as Daniel's left ear began to jerk, followed by his nose. 

"Hey, Dr Jackson?" he asked, "You okay?" 

"Harriman! I just saw you trying on a (censored) bikini!" (Twitch) "How the (censored) do you think I'm (Twitch) feeling?"

Harriman, now highly disturbed by Daniel's jerkiness, ran out of the room to return the bikini to Janet, so that he could steal it again when the mood took him. 

***********

Jack mooched around outside of Teal'c's room. He wrung his hands together and went inside. 

"Hey, Teal'c? Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" 

Teal'c gave a highly exasperated sigh and glared at Jack. 

"Why?" Jack shouted, "Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" 

"O'Neill, any further asinine questioning will result in your physical injury. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Why?" Jack asked, beginning to cry as he trailed out of the door, "Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" 

**********

Whilst Jack was running down the corridor to find Sam, he passed Daniel, who was experiencing uncontrolled jerking of his left ear. 

"Daniel?" 

(Ear jerks)

"You okay?" 

(Ear jerks)

"Riiiiggghhht. Well, at least you came out of the horny stage, huh?" 

(Annoyed twitch of nose)

"Whatever, buddy. Keep it up." 

(Ear jerks)

"Shjshjkhfklho dhfodjoj dhif fh odjhfirjpdpkd." 

Jack stopped in his tracks. "What?" he asked. 

"Shkgnikhgsif gh osdhihtb dsoigtut shdfkheiohtg fiehtiegb SHFHFGK!" 

"Okay, buddy, I think you've progressed to stage seven." 

"Jkdgh fhof." 

"See ya later - I'm gonna find Carter." 

"Hsbni weahnfin dhond jodjfneras." 

"Carter's what?" 

"CHOSDFH FHOS FHODFHUERA!" 

"Never mind." 

As he passed Colonel Stewarts in the corridor, he caught a whiff of marmalade. 

**********

Jack walked into Sam's office and stood staring at her in surprise. 

"Carter, are you wearing pink underwear?"

She groaned in annoyance. "The one day I decide to wear a white T-shirt, Hammond orders us all to wear pink underwear!" 

"Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" Jack asked sadly, sitting down on the stool opposite her. 

"Why can't _I_ have a magic mushroom?" Sam asked, sitting opposite him, "I could study it." 

"I'm bored. Danny's started speaking in tongues, Harriman's trying to get Janet's bikini off again, Stewarts has been wrestling in marmalade…" 

"The whole base has gone weird - I think we're the only sane ones here." Sam said, looking at her computer. 

"Can you wash my hair?" Jack asked suddenly. 

Sam shrugged. "Sure." 

**********

As Sam and Jack walked past Daniel in the corridor, they stopped and attempted to talk to him. His left ear was still twitching, and he was still incomprehensible. 

"Hndiodjf hfohofg dhowrb!" 

Sam knelt beside him sadly. "You're being really brave, Daniel."

"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

Both Sam and Jack jumped as Daniel suddenly screamed for no apparent reason. 

"Stage eight," Jack said pitifully, and walked off with Sam. 

As Simmons passed Daniel on his way back from a jam wrestle, the whiff of raspberry caught Daniel's twitching nose. 

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

Simmons jumped out of his skin, splattering raspberry jam everywhere. 

**********

Sam sprayed the shower onto Jack's hair, absent-mindedly reaching out for a bottle of shampoo and squirting it into her hand, massaging it into Jack's scalp, wondering why there were green bubbles on her hand. 

**********

Harriman crept closer to the infirmary door. He poked his head around the door - yes, the bikini-clad Janet was there, seeing to Colonel Stewarts who had apricot jam in his eye. 

He quietly opened the door and went inside, moving to hide behind one of the curtains. Unfortunately, he slipped on a patch of blackcurrant jam that Colonel Salwayze had left there earlier, after his wrestle. He fell onto the floor with a large thud, dragging the curtain down from around the patient in bed. 

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

Daniel shrieked as Harriman pulled the curtain down, and began to speak in tongues again, his left ear twitching. 

"SHOFINDOVN FHODHG DFHOSHFHHHH!!" 

Janet sighed. "Poor Daniel. He's being so brave." 

"Jksknd fgbfiedh fghidsrfg!! Jksnd fgbfiedh ksbnf!" 

"I'm sorry, Danny, honey, I can't understand you." 

"Honey?" 

Lieutenant Simmons had entered the infirmary, paling at the mention of the spread. 

**********

Sam swallowed as Jack stood up, pulling the towel off of his hair. It was now a bright green colour. 

"How'd I look?" he asked. 

"Swell," Sam croaked. 

"Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill to the briefing room!" said Hammond into the intercom. Nervously, the two of them made their way to the room, wondering what was going to happen next. 

As they drew nearer to Hammond's office, a blur of pink shot past them. As they turned around, they realised that it was the highly traumatised Daniel with his underpants on his head, left ear twitching and speaking in tongues, with the occasional scream. He sounded like this:

"AAAAAGGGHHHH (twitch) HDBInidniosndf fgiwhfed fp0dpfj! GGGGGHHHHHHHHH! (twitch) AAAAGG hfioehf sifheobfg!" 

Sam shook her head. "Stage ten. At least he's nearly out of the symptoms." 

"Yeah," said Jack, running his hand through his green hair, "What was stage eleven again?" 

The colour drained from Sam's face. 

"I..uh….I just have to go warn Janet about something," said Sam, running off. 

**********

Janet picked up her Ricky Martin CD and smiled. This would make her feel better. She selected track 01: She Bangs and pressed play on the CD player. 

"_Talk__ to me   
__Tell__ me __your__name__   
You __blow__ me off __like__it's__ all the __same__   
You lit a __fuse__ and now I'm __ticking__away__   
__Like__ a __bomb__   
__Yeah__, __Baby__ " _

She was suddenly jumped from behind by Harriman, who began attacking her in a frenzied attempt to get the bikini. Daniel, who was walking depressively back to the infirmary, heard the music and his left ear twitched. 

Suddenly, without warning, he ripped off his shirt and began to dance. Janet was terrified. 

"Janet!" Sam called, "Whatever you do, don't p - DANIEL??" 

Sam ran into the infirmary to see Daniel stripping completely naked and smacking Harriman in the face with his underpants. 

"Talk to me   
Tell me your sign   
You're switching sides like a Gemini   
You're playing games and now you're hittin' my   
heart   
Like a drum   
Yeah, Baby!" 

Daniel's singing was hideously out of tune, and accompanied by various shouts and tongues, so in fact he sounded like this:

  
"AAAGGGHHH talk to me cbisdbfbdfihsbfi!, tell me AAAGGGGHHHH your sign (twitch) you're sbiscbisdfbvk! (twitch) switching sides like a AAAAGGGGHHH! Gemini…"

Sam managed to pull Harriman off of Janet and slapped him smartly about the face. Then, she slipped on the same patch of blackcurrant jam as he had done and cursed. Daniel was still singing and dancing happily, accompanied by various twitches. 

**********

Jack paced about impatiently. "Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" he asked General Hammond. 

Sam appeared out of nowhere, frowning at Jack. 

"Are we ready?" 

"I need you to go to the planet G1G- 294, see if you can bring back any more mushrooms." 

"Yes, sir." 

"Oh, by the way, Colonel - nice hair." 

"Thank you, General," Jack smiled, still completely unaware that his hair was the colour of mutated pond algae. 

**********

As Sam and Jack exited the gate on G1G-294, Sam let out a gasp of surprise. The foliage on the planet was the exact same shade of green as her commanding officer's hair! 

"Now, sir…I don't want you wandering off looking for mushrooms…" 

"Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" he asked. 

"You just can't!" Sam said, "Now…JACK!" 

Jack had run off, leaving Sam completely on her own. 

"Oh, fucking hell! Has the whole world gone mad?" she shouted at the sky, which was a nauseating shade of green. 

**********

Janet had locked herself in the cupboard to escape from the naked singing Daniel and the bikini-obsessed Harriman, who were now quite a pair. Sam had managed to break the CD player when she'd slipped on the blackcurrant jam, which was a blessing, though Daniel seemed to have the lyrics firmly stuck in his head. 

She made a mental note to provide General Hammond with the biggest, bluntest needle possible when he next needed an injection. 

**********

Jack had wandered into a small wooded area, which was very quiet and quite far from the gate. He looked around at all of the green plants in wonder, but let out a shriek of surprise when something small and furry jumped onto his arm. It looked like a chipmunk. 

"Hey, little guy," Jack smiled. 

He shrieked again when another chipmunk-like creature jumped onto his other arm. 

"Okay, guys, now ya're getting a little fresh…" 

As he said this, he was suddenly set upon by hundreds of the small furry chipmunk creatures, and he shrieked for Sam to come and rescue him. 

"AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" 

**********  
When Janet finally let herself out of the cupboard an hour later, Daniel was unconscious on the floor and Harriman had his head stuck in a jar of honey, and was grunting with the effort of trying to remove it. Janet decided that for once she was not going to help a fellow colleague. 

**********

"Jack?" Sam asked. 

She'd walked for miles to try and find him, but so far with no success. To say that she was pissed off would be an understatement. 

"Jack?" 

"Sam?" he whimpered. 

"Jack? Are you okay?" 

"No." 

"What happened?" 

"Why can't I have a magic mushroom?" 

"Jack, try to focus. Now, what happened?" 

"They molested me." 

"Who did?" 

"The chipmunks." 

(Long pause)

**********

Janet finally decided that Harriman had snorted enough honey up his nose, so she tried to help him pull his head out of the honey jar. She took hold of one end and pulled, but nothing happened. She tugged again, but Harriman's head was still firmly lodged in the jar. 

"Bu-SNORT-gher. Bugher I-SNORT-ht."

**********

When Sam finally got the hysterical Jack back to the gate, she found herself staring at a green badger. 

"Hello?" she asked. 

"Do you happen to know any cure for constipation?" the badger asked, with total seriousness. 

Sam was close to pulling her gun and shooting herself, but decided against it. 

"I…I'm sorry, but no." 

"Oh, blast," said the badger, walking uncomfortably away. 

Jack randomly let out a loud belch and smiled. The badger stuck his middle finger up at him. 

"Mammals. So rude," said Jack, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Sam asked, highly agitated. 

"Calm down! It's just a green planet with talking constipated badgers, for crying out loud!" 

"AAAAGGGGGHHHH!" 

It was at that point that Sam zatted herself. 

**********

Sam woke up in the infirmary. Dazed, she looked around her and called out for Janet. 

"Hi, Sam. How are you feeling?" Janet asked, coming over to her. 

"I'm…uh…confused." 

"I'm not surprised. The jaffa hit you over the head with his staff weapon." 

"Ah." 

Janet walked away, slipping on something as she went. 

"Would somebody clear this jam up, please?" 

"Oh, fuck!" said Sam, and passed out again. 

THE END

Author's Note: Crazy, wasn't it? Please send feedback to samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk 


End file.
